My Pain-to-Power Journey: From Shame to Queer Liberation
- Rosco
- Aug 26, 2025
- 12 min read
Updated: Dec 14, 2025
If you spend YEARS of your life thinking that you have an incurable mental illness, that really warps how you relate to yourself and the world—that's trauma—and it takes time and love to heal...
You’d probably never guess it now, but less than a decade ago, I was still trapped—shame-bound, isolated, and buried under religious baggage from my Southern Baptist upbringing. I hadn’t even begun to unpack it all.
Hi, I’m Rosco (AKA Coach Coco), founder and CEO of Rainbro Universe. Today, I’m opening my heart and sharing my pain-to-power journey, so you can truly see me—and understand where my passion for queer brotherhood and men’s work was born, and to give you a realistic idea of how crazy and destabilizing the path to healing can be at times!
Childhood: A Colorful Spirit in a Conservative World
I grew up in Alabama. On the surface, my childhood was safe and stable—my parents loved me, provided for me, and encouraged my creativity. But under it all was a heavy layer of religious dogma that conditioned me in ways I wouldn’t fully understand until later.
Even as a kid, I knew I was gay—and I also knew that in my church’s eyes, it was the greatest sin. As a child I would hear this stuff from my pastor, Sunday school teachers, and my own parents and grandparents, constantly! I can remember, as early as 7 or 8 years old, jogging with my dad. There was a certain line in the pavement that marked the end of our street, and he would often tease me and say, "Cross that line or you’re GAY!” I was obviously gay, but my parents lived in denial and did everything they could to steer me towards more masculine toys, friends and activities. Like many other baby rainbros, I was sensitive and artistic, resonated with princesses, mermaids & strong female characters, loved my sister’s barbies, dressed in drag whenever possible. It confusing because my parents found me entertaining, but did not understand or support my queerness and fem side - quite the opposite…
❤️🔥Pain to POWER Gift: Because I often felt out of place, I developed a vivid imagination. I created worlds, played outside, and learned to entertain myself. Imagination became my refuge—and eventually, one of my strongest superpowers.
Adolescence: Hiding Behind Perfection
When I was around 10 or 11 years old, my mom arranged a father-son trip for my dad to give me “the talk” - to teach me about “man stuff.” What did that entail? It was just the two of us, awkwardly alone in the car on a long drive to North Carolina for gem mining… while listening to the entire 10-hour “Guide to Puberty & Adolescence” audio book (on cassette tapes) by Focus On The Family. We sat there in tense silence as Doctor James Dobson discussed “pooberty,” why masturbation is considered ungodly, and why sex should only occur within a Christian marriage between one man and one woman. My dad and I never really debriefed or talked about any of this, but it was EXCRUCIATING and unforgettable.
As I grew into a teenager with my own will, unique perspectives and style, my parents became more strict, authoritarian and critical. Whether they discussed it or not, they must have been terrified about how I was developing. What they wanted more than anything was to raise a conservative, Christian, all-American boy who would marry a woman and live a “normal” upper middle class, Republican life and give them grandchildren. They literally told me this once in a heated confrontation. As you can imagine, our relationship began to decline; that's when I started wanting to run away.
As a classic over-achiever I strived to be cool, maintain my health, satisfy my parents (and God), and have friends without compromising my true self. However, I mostly spent my free time alone—reading, creating art, studying, crushin' it at the gym (and working there too). I kept myself busy as a way to hide. I was social and outgoing and friends with many of my peers, but nobody truly knew me… In some respects, I maintained the facade well, but it came at a price. I was STRESSED AF, experiencing mental breakdowns about once a month, yet I could never actually reveal the root of the problem to anyone. I would always return to my faith, trusting that if I continued praying and doing all the right things, God would fix me…why wouldn't he??
❤️🔥Pain to Power Gift: It was obviously a complicated time in my life, and I was a little bit emo. Fortunately this is when Avril Lavigne’s music came into my life and inspired me to be a non-conformist, lean into being “anything but ordinary,” and embrace the full spectrum of emotion.
College Years: Searching for Belonging
Things got crazier in college, as my own gay panic & internalized homophobia intensified and drove me insane. My shame led me to a full on eating & exercise disorder that had its ups and downs for about 10 years. Because I felt so deeply flawed, I was trying to make myself PERFECT in every way I possibly could. I was still dealing with my Christian programming — fears of failure at life (and also eternal HELL) — so I was basically putting myself through my own rigorous, homemade “conversion therapy” curriculum—trying to make myself “straight”—so that I could finally do all the things I thought I was supposed to do. I was not in therapy or talking to anyone about this stuff - just dealing with it all on my own. On a few occasions, when I was REALLY freaking out, I told church friends, but they just tried to help me “pray the gay away” because they were all brainwashed too. NOBODY told me it was ok or offered me any real help. The pressure I felt increased with each passing day because in Southern culture, you’re expected to get married and start living “the American dream” shortly after graduating college.
❤️🔥Pain to POWER Gift: My struggles with body image gave me lifelong mastery of health and fitness. What began as unhealthy coping eventually became my career—and a foundation for resilience. Also, this is where my innate talent for building curriculum started to show up!
On some level, I even wanted to join a fraternity. The idea of living in a house full of guys and having fun together (like the Lost Boys in Peter Pan) was really appealing to me…and hot...but all the options at my traditional university were a hard no for me—they were toxically masculine and obsessed with football, there was much to be desired. What I truly wanted was a sense of camaraderie and connection—brothers who really understood me, with whom I could relax, bond, have fun, and relate.
❤️🔥Pain to POWER Gift: When I couldn't find the right community, I leveraged my leadership abilities to build one myself. I started a club and a campus movement centered around REAL (local, sustainable, humane) food and community gardening, organized an annual music & arts festival, and cultivated a sense of community among my personal training clients & yoga students...sort of like what I do now!
At the age of 21, I attended a cafe screening of a film titled “For the Bible Tells Me So”. This experience began to open my mind to the idea that I could love Jesus and be gay. Eventually, I decided to come out to my parents, but I did so hesitantly and apologetically. I felt ashamed and told them I was struggling and trying hard to “fix” myself, though deep down, I hoped they would tell me it was OK. That reassurance was likely all I needed. Logically, I thought it might also explain my behavior—why I had always seemed so strange and troubled. However, their reaction was the opposite, offering no empathy, sympathy, or support. They FORBID me from telling anyone else—especially anyone in their church or community (even if I felt compelled by God to do so). It became evident that it was all about them—their shame, their fear, their reputation, their desires—which drove a deeper wedge between us. Unfortunately, I still needed their financial support, so I remained in the closet and continued to repress my sexuality. By this time, I had developed such a complex about sex that I couldn't even imagine being intimate with men, women, or anyone at all—just the thought could send me into a spiral.
❤️🔥Pain to POWER Gift: Realizing at a young age that I wouldn't have my parents' support to live authentically, I developed a strong sense of independence, put in extra effort, and embraced new relationships (friends and chosen family). My goal was to become self-reliant as quickly as possible.
YOGA
Yoga became integral to my life while I was working as a personal trainer at the Auburn University Fitness & Wellness Center. One day, the group fitness team approached me, expressing their desire for more male yoga instructors and specifically wanting me because of my friendly, outgoing nature and flexibility. I felt honored and recognized by their invitation and decided to undergo their teacher training. Initially, I saw it as another professional skill to enhance my resume and career, but the profound messages of Self-love, non-judgment, and open spirituality began to resonate deeply with me. This came at a time when my mental health was at its lowest, and it was exactly what my exhausted, gay soul needed to hear and embody.
Delving into yoga and mysticism initially made things more challenging before they improved. Throughout my life, I had been taught that there was only ONE GOD, that he was jealous and wrathful, and that the devil was real, actively trying to mislead me and pull me away from “The Truth.” By that time I had already started to questions certain beliefs and hang with a more alternative, progressive crowd, but I was still attending church and participating in Bible studies, leading to extreme mental dissonance and anxiety. I would have wonderful, grounding experiences in yoga or while out in nature, only to be overwhelmed by fear and doubt when my Christian beliefs resurfaced. This was all obviously distracting and disruptive to my college studies. Nonetheless, I persisted, and this is when my new mantra came to me: Embrace Discomfort.
❤️🔥Pain to POWER Gift: Because of my intense experience with religion and brainwashing, I highly value the importance of not adopting rigid beliefs of any kind or accepting someone else's truth without question. I have come to understand the transformative power of yoga, and I am now dedicated to utilizing tools that assist others in their own de-conditioning process.
Eventually, at the age of 25, I decided to move from my college town (Auburn, AL) to North Carolina to live near my sister (the only ally I had in my family) and start a new life with NO church or religious friends. I wanted to see what would happen if I could RE-SET in a new environment with people who wouldn’t try to fit me inside a box…people who didn’t care if I stayed true to the person I had been in younger years. Within months I found myself in therapy for the first time, AND a deeper, trauma-based yoga teacher training. What was left of my Christian programming started to unravel QUICKLY. Within 6 months, I realized that I was NEVER going to be straight, and I didn’t want to be anymore—HUGE progress.
COMING OUT
At 26 I came out to the world. What actually sent me over the line and made me do it was not a relationship. I had still never even had sex with a man, but my yoga teacher, who knew what I was struggling with, sent me home to watch the movie “Milk.” It was Harvey’s speech inside that house where he told all the closeted gays,
"Gay brothers and sisters, you must come out. Come out to your parents. I know that it is hard and will hurt them, but think about how they will hurt you in the voting booth! Come out to your relatives. Come out to your friends, if indeed they are your friends. Come out to your neighbors, to your fellow workers, to the people who work where you eat and shop. Come out only to the people you know, and who know you, not to anyone else. But once and for all, break down the myths. Destroy the lies and distortions. For your sake. For their sake".
He was speaking TO ME. Clarity struck me like a lightning bolt. For the first time in my life, I felt guilty about being a coward and a liar to the world instead of feeling guilty about being gay. I suddenly made my announcement to my yoga sangha, my closest friends, and my parents. I told them out of respect that I wasn’t going to fight it anymore. They sat with my simple message in silence for a week, fuming, before blowing up my email inbox with self-centered rage, emotional manipulation, fear and cliche Christian bullshit - ALL the Bible verses they love to twist and use against us. That was the beginning of the end of our relationship, but I was finally FREE—independent enough to cut them off, and ready to be happy and GAY.
Miraculously I found my soulmate about a month later. That’s a whole other story, the mystical version is that I manifested him through a Spring Equinox Yoga Mala. The more mundane version is that we matched on Tinder. The full truth is somewhere in-between…
You can actually LISTEN to the entire story on this episode of Flirtations! With Benjamin, The Flirt & Dating Coach!
❤️🔥Pain to POWER Gift: Due to the weight of suffering and the heaviness of beliefs I had been stuck in for so long, I got to experience COMPLETE liberation and bliss when the weight was finally lifted. I got to know JOY and LOVE in an equally intense way that I did not take for granted.
My First Boyfriend
Pepe was a few steps ahead of me in the deconditioning journey. He had awesome, supportive parents and brought not only real love, sweetness, stability and amazing sex into my life, he also brought Alan Watts, Carl Sagan, Terrence McKenna and psychedelics. Our first year together was the most incredible, magical blur of listening to these philosophers and otherworldly music, running around in the forest, making love, taking mushrooms and LSD, and for the first time in life, FEELING HAPPY AND OPTIMISTIC about the future…AND it was hard at times. I still had a ton of inner work to do, tough lessons to learn and a few panic attacks ahead of me.
I tried really hard to bring my parents along on my journey for the next few years, but the positive shifts I was hoping and striving for never came. Maintaining the relationship eventually became too painful, draining and hopeless, so I had to break that bond and set firm boundaries. That’s the last I will say about them in this article...
Pepe and I got married and moved to Costa Rica to become expats and start a homestead in the jungle. THAT is definitely a whole other story as well…but it’s where I really started to process my life’s experiences and form the concept of Rainbro Universe—the non-pretentious spiritual, playful, queer fraternity I always wanted to be part of…
❤️🔥Pain to POWER Gift: Being unattached to my family, tradition or any specific place in the world allowed me to be free enough to pursue this lifelong dream with my partner. It didn’t turn out to be what we wanted for the rest of our lives, but it was something we had to try, and maaaaaan did we grow A LOT…
IN CONCLUSION
Needless to say, the past decade has been intense for me. I have experienced tons of highs & lows and tried ALL the things I used to say I would never do. I have gained so much experiential wisdom through this mindful trial & error lifestyle, that I have become passionate about helping other men to take the leap and begin their own healing journeys.
Rainbro Universe started as men’s virtual naked yoga classes, which then evolved into a group coaching program, and now it has exploded into something far more expansive! I have brought in tools like sexual kung-fu, AYAMA Yoga, Human Design and in-person retreats for the ultimate experience of summer camp that brings ALL the magic (and rainbros) together in beautiful, natural places.
As a gay Projector who has been through some shit, there is nothing that brings me more joy & satisfaction than guiding men towards more happiness, empowerment and liberation, and it’s also how I continue to learn & grow! So if my story resonates with you, or if you are needing some help to work through similar challenges, you are not alone. If you spend YEARS of your life thinking that you have a mental illness, that really warps how you relate to yourself and the world. That's trauma, and it takes time and love to heal, so I hope you will reach out and let me help you to find your place in this colorful, queer fraternity!! It’s not always easy BUT…
The point of doing the work is to make it to "the party" sooner.
❤️🔥Pain to POWER Gift: All of the pain and wounding I received in the first part of my life gave me the perspective, understanding, sympathy, compassion and wisdom that I needed to step into my power and Purpose as a guide for other rainbros who want to break free and live their life fully, authentically and unapologetically🌈
your blog post resonates so much as someone who also grew up religious and is currently in the process of unlearning that mindset. thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing your story! (p.s. those dreads sure were a LOOK, lol)